Peaceful Parenting Miracles

My sister-in-law is what I would consider a full hippie mama. She is the real deal, and I look to her when I need some hippie tips. She runs a free school in Virginia that follows the unschooling model. She is always sharing tips and articles she finds on 'peaceful parenting'. Of course I read them, but never bookmark or save anything. So, while I get the general idea of it all, I will by no means try to portray myself any kind of expert.

Now that the disclaimer is out there, I can share my experience. :)

One of the general ideas is that we, as adults, need to control our tempers and our emotions as we are responding to 'behavior issues' in our children. If we can react to situations calmly and with empathy, our children will usually respond better than when we get wound up as well.

Example- After asking Monkey for the 5th time to please sit his butt in his car seat so that we can get to the appt that we're already running late for, I'm likely to get frustrated and react negatively. Whether it's barking, "GET IN YOUR SEAT, RIGHT NOW", or threatening some sort of punishment, "If you don't get in that seat, we're not going to the park later", I'm not helping the situation. Monkey doesn't magically listen. In fact, if I have taken the barking orders route, it usually just results in tears (for both of us). Fortunately, that doesn't happen very often.

Solution- What has amazingly worked, is just talking to him about why he doesn't want to do (or is currently doing) desired/undesired behavior. I say amazingly because I was 100% skeptical that a 3-4 year old would have the attention span and communication skills for a meaningful conversation when they are clearly upset.

In the example above, I take a deep breath and 9 times out of 10, we have a conversation like this-
Me- "Hey, what's going on? Can you talk to me for a sec?"
Him- "I don't want to go to X."
Me- "Why not?"
Him- "I was playing with my train." or "I'm hungry", "I have to go potty", "We were just in the car 15 min ago", etc
Me- "Well, I know it's fun playing with your train, and I'm sorry you had to stop. But we have an appt with X, and we need to leave now so we're not late. I promise when we get back you can play with your train."
Or- if he is especially hysterical about it, I may even suggest we bring the train, or whatever the item is.
Him- "Ok." *climbs into car seat nicely*

*Angels sing!* It's a miracle. I'm telling you though, it works, just try it.

Now, I know to a lot of parents, this may seem like spoiling or catering to their kid's every whim and creating a monster. But I'll tell you, I've seen the exact opposite. Instead of turning into a demanding brat, I've noticed Monkey's eyes sparkle when he sees that I'm genuinely concerned with what's bothering him. He becomes calmer, more willing to cooperate, and I am by no means bribing him. Although, I still think there's a time and a place for the bribe. ;)

In many situations, he just wants to express his frustration and is having trouble using his words. Think about us as adults. How many times are we frustrated with someone, like a boss, spouse or parent asking us to do something we didn't want to do. Do we always have a nice discussion with them about it? No. Many times we bottle it up, pretend like nothing is wrong, take it out on someone else later. Or maybe we send a nasty email, slam a door, you get the picture. We're not perfect at controlling our emotions, so why should a preschooler have it mastered? Now in the same scenario, what if the offender sensed your frustration, and talked to you about it? Doesn't that usually make you feel better? Like your feelings are validated? It's the same with our kids. They want to feel validated, appreciated, RESPECTED. Just like we do.

What reminded me of this today, and believe me, I use this strategy daily, is that today I was really tested. Monkey has a little bit of a cold, and he was in a FOUL mood today. I know you've all been there before. Everything was setting him off. He wanted yogurt, but not with that spoon! He was trying to stack kitchen items, but they kept falling (end of the world). We rented a video (that he picked out), but on the way home it's the wrong video. And on and on and on, all day.

Today, it took every ounce of control to keep reminding myself, he's sick, cut him some slack. Usually, I can anticipate and diffuse meltdowns, and there are only 1 or 2 minor occurrences a day. Today was full tilt. The above technique, worked to some degree, but when a kiddo is sick, all bets are off. I think what saved my sanity though, was truly understanding what he was going through. He just doesn't feel good. Simple as that.

I hope this story can help my fellow moms out there, who are struggling with their own negative reactions and looking for other alternatives.

Hugs,
-J