Friday was a pretty crappy day. Monkey had to undergo anesthesia to get a CT scan done, for an upcoming surgery. Anesthesia is never fun for a kid or a parent, and the anxiety is always high. The worst part of all, is that as they get older, they know what's coming. They do not want anything to do with the 'room' or the mask they put on you to knock you out. It's hard enough for a parent to have to deal with their kid being sick, or needing medical procedures, but when you add in seeing the sheer terror on your sweet little guy's face, it's unbearable.
I was a little surprised that the doctor and the nurse were impressed that I wanted to be involved. When the nurse told the doctor I'd be coming into the room with them to help see Monkey off to sleep, he had a look on his face. He explained to me that most parents don't like to 'see that', and I should be prepared in case they need to restrain him to get the mask on. I kindly explained to him that after everything we've been through (112 days in the NICU, over 10 surgeries, countless 'procedures', etc), sadly, this was nothing new. And I would prefer it if I could help get the mask on Monkey, because restraining an anxious 4 year old, is only going to terrify him more and make future procedures more difficult. They never seem to care much about the down the road stuff though, do they? They only want to get their thing done.
We walked together to the room, much better than riding on a bed, and I tried to distract Monkey by asking him to count all the fish on the CT machine. Once everyone was ready, I picked him up and we sat together on the bed. I held the mask and sung him a song. He clearly was still a little freaked out, but at least I was able to comfort him more than some stranger pinning him down. He was out pretty quick and the medical team was all astonished at how 'brave' of a mom I was. I have to scoff a little bit, because in my mind, I'm not brave at all. I'm just doing the best I can to reassure my baby. He's the brave one.
If anything, I'm just emotionally checked out. As bad as that probably sounds, I just have to turn it off and not think about it. I can't fall apart in front of him. I'll wait until I'm out of sight to have my quick cry. Or maybe I'll bottle it all up and break down later over something completely unrelated. Definitely nothing brave about it.
So until our next adventure, a nasal endoscopy next week, that I'm absolutely dreading, I'll make sure everything is as normal as can be for my little Monkey. And when the time comes, he'll be the brave one again. I'm just there to hold his hand.
Hugs,
-J
Sorry you had to endure that just to go through it again so soon. The staff is right, you are brave. All you can do is try to make your baby boy feel less anxious. Sounds like a lot of parents just let the kids go by themselves. Sad. Maybe they don't know it's an option to go back?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. Yeah, I wonder too if parents know they can. Seems like they don't really offer unless you ask. You would think they would want the parent's help as much as possible.
DeleteI feel like our doctors offered when the big one had a CT scan but maybe the husband asked. I couldn't go in because I was pregs. Which was prob better. I tend to bring in the nervous energy!
DeleteOh my gosh, my heart really goes out to you and monkey and I am totally impressed at how you were totally there for your son, sitting with him, holding the mask and singing. Sure he may still have been scared but there is nothing better than having mom there with you like that. My son had to have a very minor eye appointment because we thought he had scratched it, he had to be restrained and I completely broke down and bawled my eyes out. Tried my hardest not to but...So, my opinion - you are both strong! And a very loving mama :)
ReplyDeleteMonkey is my hero. And you, mama, are amazing...(and also brave.)
ReplyDelete